So Delta Airlines asked for my opinion...

I'm not sure why Delta Airlines sends out surveys to their economy class passengers, but they do. I usually ignore them, but after a recent trip, one arrived in my inbox on a feisty night. So.

The first question was some kind of generic "tell us your thoughts" about whatever. So I did.

Traveling with linked tickets with friend who is Zone 1 and I'm Zone 3 -- why? And really, do you need to have 15 different boarding levels? As I joked with my friend, who was zone 1 and boarded and I stood out and waited 10 minutes or so to go sit by him, the levels should be renamed King, Queen, Princes, Squires, Jokers, and Serfs. I mean, come on. There was basically one Zone 4 guy left standing at one point, and it was like the scene from "Meet the Fokkers." Treat people more humanely. You show all the perks and luxuries rich or business people get to experience, as if that's the general experience, and then cram the rest of humanity knee-to-seat Zone 30 cattle car and tell us "we value your business"? No you don't. You barely think we're human. Economy plus pay $30 (or whatever it is now) to get three inches of extra legroom and the rest of us, who have just eaten a microbag of gluten free snacks get to watch the flight attendant pass around a monster basket of candy bars and fruit? Why not just gas us in the back and wake us up when we land. Gee.

Then they asked about my interaction with the flight attendant.

Flight attendants are fine, for the three seconds of service they provide the cattle car.

Then there was a series of questions asking about the food.

I put N/A for the food, because you would almost need a microscope to see it. Seriously -- I pay $30 per bag, have to spend money for overpriced airport food to bring on board, and you're asking me about the snacks? Or, I could spend even more and buy a boxed lunch from you guys. I'd laugh if it wasn't so unpleasant and expensive.

Then they asked--ha ha ha ha ha--about the seat comfort.

Was there knee space? I didn't see any. But you don't care, so why do you even ask?

Then they asked if I had any other thoughts to share. Boy, do I.

Like I said earlier, you keep telling customers you care, appreciate their business, and show little commercials of all the wonderful diversity in the human race...and then you smash us into tiny seats with about zero leg room in which a person has to practically grope and assault the guy next to them in order to get out and stumble to the lavatory to see the rich/business people practically being served pheasant under glass in a Lazy Boy chair. Stop saying you value our business, and that you love diversity. What you really mean is you value the business of rich people, and that by gosh, all you diverse people are going to sit in a tiny seat with next to no leg room and you'll make it work. What a joke. And it's not like this is the first survey I've taken of yours, but you seem to think if you throw the plebes enough surveys and let them vent, we'll think our voice matters. It doesn't. You stand for all the proper social justice warrior issues with words publicly, but your business model is brutal to general humanity. Quit kidding yourself.

Then they ended with--I kid you not--a request to rate my lavatory experience. I guess it's fitting they ask about the shitter at the end of this survey.

The nice thing about the lavatory I was closest to is that when I went to use it, I got to see the business/first class section and be reminded I suck. I mean, I cleared out my savings account to buy the ticket on your airplane, but all that got me was a back ache and two cookies.

The airlines ought to be forced to include a percentage of their ads focusing on economy class, because all of their ads show business and first class passenger experience where everyone is smiling and no business person has had too much to drink, as if we all get a cozy blanket and lay-down seat and Thanksgiving dinner. You could call this a Reality In Advertising law, where the camera pans across the economy class to take in the screaming child, the eight-year-old pounding on the back of the seat in front of them, the tall man sawing off his knees, the woman falling across her seatmates to try to get the lavatory, and the last four rows getting no beverage service because the flight wasn't long enough.

Keep in mind that fees keep going up, prices go up, and the airlines are making beaucoup profits. Money pours out of their coffers and the jam more people in the plane and charge them more money for bags so everyone brings a ridiculous amount of carry on baggage to avoid the fees causing the flight to load as slowly as possible.

During my most recent trip, I almost missed my connection in Atlanta because the flight from D.C. was about 25 minutes late.

Oh, the plane that was arriving that we were to use had not left behind schedule. No. It was circling to wait for a landing slot (which we viewed on Flight Aware) because, as my pilot friend explained, the airlines really really really want to privatize ATC (imagine the fees they could tack on to your tickets then!) and so they over-book the low-capacity Reagan International airport so that politicians get the impression that ATC is overloaded and just can't do the job anymore and the solution surely must be to give airlines control over it.

Lest you think Delta doesn't care about their passengers, consider the free perk I received on this trip: indoor rain from an A/C condensation problem. It was fun to get dripped on for all eternity. I enjoyed my damp bags.

"In case of a water landing, you probably won't realize we went in. You're welcome."

It's a scam. It's a thrombosis-generating scam of epic proportions, one $30 bag at a time. I can't wait for my next survey from Delta. I think I'm going to do it all as limericks.


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