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When the HR guy tells you you're confusing.

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“I don’t know how else to tell you this,” he says to me, “but I find you confusing.”

I look at my resume and cover letter — the required documents — in his hand and I realize attempt #14 did not land a job for me and think I am not a human resource.

I leave the HR office wondering how I had become a list of what I was not, wondering when Photoshop had become a skill, wondering why being a teacher, a designer, an artist, an entrepreneur, a pastry chef, a get-off-my-ass-work-hard self-starter — how a jack-of-all trades was really a hack-of-all trades.

I realize there was one common denominator in my job-hunting failures: I was applying for jobs where they were looking for people to apply.

People don’t know what they want, I decide. Not really.

Someone left, or there is more work to do, and they create a list of what they think will take care of it. They think they want a Photoshop expert instead of someone who can work with a lousy computer and clunky software and still pull off a grea…

We welcome your opinion.

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This is a day and age where everyone thinks having a strong emotion/opinion is justification for sharing. They think the First Amendment is somehow a guarantee that they get to share their opinion with anyone and that it must be given "due respect."

Due respect, indeed.

You may have the right to free speech, but I am not obligated to listen nor care.

There are only a few times I'm interested in someone's opinion. If you're an expert and you know what you're talking about and have solid information to share that you believe would be of helpful interest, OK. Or, if I came to you because you are an expert and you know what you're talking about and have solid information to share that I believe would be of help, OK. If you're a close friend or family member and you actually have some skin in the game of my life and care, OK.

But the shotgun approach to receiving unsolicited opinions from random strangers is of zero interest and curiosity, of zero value.

I hate this hacker crap.

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It's been a long day at work. It's hot and I'm tired and overwhelmed. I'm weary on many levels and I've just paid for three expensive car repairs that have eaten through my savings like a flamethrower in butter. 
So what do I find in my email today when I get home?




"I'm going to send it to your nine contacts."

Wow, dude, seriously.

I'm no stranger to these kinds of threats from these kinds of losers; thanks to the protest a year back, I already have a cartoon ready to use for these pathetic excuses for humanity. I think we're dealing with someone who looks like panel #6 for sure.

So, first I headed to the FBI, reported the email, and then to other various law enforcement entities.

Then I responded back to this cretin.




Loser.


Finding something to watch on Netflix.

We in the viewing audience had this crazy idea that ultimate choice would be ultimate freedom. No more racing home to have your butt in the couch to not miss starting time, or setting the VCR or DVR and hoping the power wouldn't flicker and screw up all attempts to record your show while you were at work.

All freedom all the time.

Whatever show we'd want, when we wanted it.

Perfectly recommended shows based on our revealed preferences.

"Why in the heck is Netflix recommending that horror movie to me?"

"I watch one documentary, and I can't get a decent piece of fiction to show up in my feed now."

"Why are the trending shows different than the ones I see in my account?"

So let's say you set aside two hours to watch a movie. You've already failed. It's not enough time. You need about an hour to figure out what you're going to watch and as you can see, the math won't work out for you.

"How about this one?"

"Only …

The #OccupyStarbucks movement

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I received an email regarding Starbucks' recent store shutdown in order to learn about racial bias. I forwarded it to a friend for a comment, because this friend always has a witty one.

His response?

"Does it make you want to organize some loitering parties?  #occupystarbucks"

Seriously.

If people can occupy Wall Street, if they can occupy Army Corps land for almost a year here in North Dakota with zero repercussions, if they can occupy freeways, and lay down in grocery stores because of the NRA and whatever else they do, surely we can now #occupystarbucks.

New policy says we can, without needing to purchase anything.

Granted, the music they play is enough to keep me away for good.

I don't know if there is an #OccupyStarbucks movement, but I'm putting it into my Google alerts with great hope.

Ye olde car in general.

Just weeks after a car repair, I found myself praying I'd make it to the shop before my car died.

Whether it was battery or alternator, I did not know, but a friend had to jump my car, tow trucks were involved, a prayer-laced drive across town in rush hour traffic, a few roll-and-gos because too much stopping made the car sputter, and finally sliding into a parking spot at the garage where my electric window wouldn't roll up.

I described the incident to my friend. "I thought you just got the car fixed?"

"Oh, you know how it is with Chrysler owners," I said. "You practically have to check underneath the car every morning to see what else has fallen off."

My failed campaign to run for sheriff.

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Holy cats, guys.

The county elections were on Tuesday, and I totally missed the boat. I did zero serious campaigning in my run for the Nazi party as county sheriff!



Those were the halcyon days of yesteryear, back in 2015 and 2016, when lots of losers often named Patrick Millette were fixated on a pipeline protest and endeavored to create a false Facebook profile of me to spam various North Dakota sheriff offices, and participated in various other forms of super-unique Hitler-themed harassment directed at me, often during the day when he was at work and on the company clock.

Good times, good times.